We missed the opportunity to see renowned child psychologist, author and TV personality David Coleman speaking in Skibbereen recently. We were both kicking ourselves afterwards, because goodness knows a bit of child psychology would come in handy at the moment.
Come to think of it, child psychology is something of a misnomer. You’d be better off calling it parent psychology… because at the end of the day that’s what it usually boils down to when you see these TV programmes or read the books. It’s always the parents’ behaviour that’s analysed and the parents attitudes and responses that need to change. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those shows on the telly or skimmed through one of the accompanying books (hey, I’m a working parent… I don’t have time to read cover-to-cover) that really examines the child as the root cause of behavioural problems. It’s always down to the parents in the end.
Why did we miss the talk? Why does any parent miss anything? You guessed it… it was child related. The event clashed with a committee meeting for the local playgroup that my wife needed to attend, which meant I had to stay at home and mind the munchkins (not babysitting – apparently, if its you’re own children it doesn’t count). None of our children actually go to the playgroup any more, but the curious thing about West Cork committees is that once you’re on one it’s extraordinarily difficult to get yourself off again.
We toyed with the idea of a babysitter, but given the girls’ track record at bedtime recently we weren’t comfortable subjecting anyone outside the immediate family to the ordeal. And so we missed what was, by all accounts, an illuminating and insightful glimpse into the world of parent/child psychology from a real expert in the field.
The word expert, especially when its associated with a TV personality, usually has me diving for cover. It brings to mind ghastly images of pseudo-doctor Gillian McKeith, making me shudder involuntarily. I also don’t subscribe to the notion of the childless parenting experts. People like Gina Forde of “contented little baby” fame, and “Super-Nanny” Jo Frost. Their one-size-fits-all approach to parenting is, to coin a Jo Frost term “un-ass-eptable”. Good thing she’s not helping children with their speech, I always think.
I don’t really see how anyone can be an expert in parenting until they have first hand experience of being a parent. It’s not like basket weaving or swimming or origami – where studying the intricacies of technique qualifies you to pass that wisdom on to others. Parenting is too fluid and dynamic for that. It’s a unique relationship between two people – and it’s different between every parent and every child. I really believe that the only real expert in parenting your child is you.
And sometimes that’s a depressing thought… because occasionally it feels like I’m not very good at it. In fact, sometimes the girls even tell me I’m not very good at it, which is much worse.
While I don’t hold any truck with patronising self-proclaimed parenting experts, David Coleman seems different. First of all he’s a “been there, done that, still there, still doing that” bona fide parent, and has official, verifiable qualifications… which makes a refreshing change in the field. He also readily admits to the challenges he’s faced himself as a parent, and to the fact that he doesn’t always get it right. Like all of us he’s learning this parenting lark as he goes along.
Instead of patronising parents Coleman empathises with us, instead of dictating solutions he offers genuine guidance and support. It was a shame to miss his talk… but when you’re a parent, no matter how much you wish it could be otherwise, parenting always comes first.